Three Hundred…

Okay, so yea. I’m now at 304.6 pounds. Not great, but better than where I was at about a month ago.

Last month I had a health scare and was in the hospital for a blood clot in my leg, which is partially why my leg has gotten so huge with water and swollen like a balloon. I can play with my legs like they are putty.

These aren’t my feet, just a photo I found online, but they are pretty spot on with how puffy my feet are now.


I was at the highest weight I’ve ever been. 316 pounds.

Not good.

So, now… a few things have changed. I started going to church again on Sundays and I’m really enjoying it. We’ve been talking about ‘who you are’ as a person and finding who you are with God. And its really been helping me with many things. I basically am choosing to do only the things I want to do, instead of the things other people want and I just feel inclined to help with. I stopped playing video games with my online friends that I love, and was only playing because I felt like I didn’t want to let them down. I also am very prideful and that’s been part of the reason why I didn’t want to stop playing and I’m slowly letting the pride fade away.

Letting go of pride is going to help me a lot. It’s part of the reason I’m so anxious and stressed all the time. Always worried about how others think of me or feel about me.


Not only am I needing to get rid of pride, but I need to get rid of my ego. I don’t know where I got it, but I have it and it only makes my pride worse.


I’ve started going back to the gym and working out again. I’m also trying to work on what I eat, although this has been hardest so far, and I still have issues with my binge eating disorder, but I will do this!

The next thing, is that I’ve finally opened myself up to a person who I think can be a real friend. I have a lot of friends – more like aqcuantances. But it’s been hard for me to truly open up to another person and I think I’ve found that friend. Which makes me very happy.

The next thing, is that I’ve been working on my paintings, and will soon be selling them! I’m making my etsy shop soon which is exciting 🙂

Here’s a few of my paintings:




So my art has been almost therapeutic.

I’ve also been working on my writing when I have time, which is another blog I started recently. It’s a story I’ve had in my head for years and I want to have it published before my grandfather dies since he was my biggest advocate when it came to this book and also have the dedication to him and my grandma. So I gotta work!

I also will be hopefully starting my career in real estate at the end of the year. Only two more months to go! I’m going to start part time until Spring time, which then I have no idea what I’ll do. But I’m trying to not stress about it and let God lead.

That’s the other thing. I’ve been such a control freak all my life that it’s now time to just let things go. I don’t need to be in control over everything. All its done has stressed me out.


Right now its about me. I’m fixing me so that the person I am outside will match the person I am in the inside.

I’ll be updating my goals and pages soon to match my current goals and wants and dreams.


The Beth Project – Inspiration!

I loved reading about this!! And you should definitely check it out here!!

This woman named Beth Beard did an amazing Before and After photo shoot which she called the Beth Project.

Check out some of the photos!! Definitely giving me some motivation.

landscape_nrm_1431007528-blakemorrow nrm_1431007433-syn-2-1430928693-ht-blake-morrow-08-150506

Update & Request

Hi fellow readers and writers of the blogging world. I haven’t blogged in a few months. Neither have I worked on my weight like I should be either. In fact, I just checked my weight a few days ago and I’m sitting at 295 😦 A mix of stress, over eating and lack of sleep. Just not taking care of my body like I should be doing.

I’m working so hard, but it seems like I’m never making enough money. I’m so tired >< . I’ve been working hard on reaching my goal of becoming a Realtor. I’ve passed my classes, I have my license.. it’s just the start up money that’s creating a wall for me right now. It’s like I always have about $500 saved in my Realtors Savings and then out of the blue we have to spend that money for ’emergency’ reasons. At this rate I’m never going to have enough! My goal start date was to be December of this year, thought this would be enough time for us to get on our feet and still have enough saved. I have a few months to go so it’s always possible but I don’t think I’ll make enough.

I’m working four jobs right now. Yes, that’s right. Four! One full time job where I work about 40 hours a week at a temp agency, a part time job as a waitress where I work about 20-25 hours a week, marketing for multiple people which takes about 15-20 hours a week and then I teach painting which ranges to be about 5-20 hours a week depending on how many events I’m scheduled for. All this so that I can be able to keep up with current bills while at the same time reaching my goal of becoming a Real Estate agent by December.

So I decided to create a gofundme page in hopes that anyone can help me out. Just $5 dollars is all I’m asking per person. If you can donate more I’d definitely appreciate it. I need the help.

Here is what I wrote on the gofundme page:

It’s a dream that is so close and almost in my grasp, but the only problem I am having is raising the money to get there. I want to be a real estate agent. It’s all I want. All I do in my free time is read up on real estate, I’ve a library just about real estate. I listen to podcasts and real esate radio when I’m at my full time job. Those of you, that are my friends, know that when real estate becomes the subject of our conversation, I have a hard time stop talking!

I currently work four jobs right now (1 full time and 3 part time jobs). Even my fiance has been working 2 jobs (1 full time/2nd part time). All this of course not only to get us on our feet, move to a new home, (getting married!!), get a new vehicle (since we’ve been in 2 accidents in past year and still waiting on insurance to pay up), and my dream of starting Real Estate. My goal is to start by December, just before the holidays.

So far, I’ve been doing this on my own. I have a hard time asking others for help. I’ve taken the classes, passed the nationals and state Real Estate licensing test. Which wasn’t easy for me money wise. Now the start up fees is what’s slowing me down on my dream. I always have about $500 dollars in my Real Estate bank account, but it seems like once I reach that $500 mark, an ’emergency’ occurs and we must use that money for the ’emergency’. It’s very frustrating to say the least!

Being a Real Estate Agent is starting a business for your self. Seriously. It’s being an independent contractor. I will have to do all my own taxes, invest in marketing for my business and marketing for my clients, have my own office supplies, fees that need to be paid to the broker, fees to the real estate board, start up fees for using the MLS (which is how realtors search for housing on the market and one of the main ways they promote a clients home), keysafe fees. I would also need to get a tablet so I can be a paperless agent, a good camera, working website & other tools/programs that will make me a success.

So, when did I start dreaming about Real Estate as a permanent and life long career for me? I had worked at a real estate company for almost 2 years. Before going to this company, I went to school for marketing and business management. I love talking and working with people and I want to genuinely help others. I believe 100% that God placed me in that position with that Real Estate Company for a reason. He wanted me to see it’s potential and help me realize that this profession is truly right for me. And I know it is. Watching the Realtors succeed in finding their clients new home or selling one, and watching new Realtors blossom was amazing. I could hear new home owners scream in excitement once they found the news that yes, they will be owning their very own home soon!

I came into that position at that real estate company thinking that Realtors were just shinier and more expensive versions of a ‘cars salesman’ but what I saw was completely different. I saw realtors that would drive their clients to the hospital or doctors, I saw realtors that helped do garage sales, I saw realtors that helped repaint a whole house, I saw realtors that even stepped aside on a FSBO sale because their buyers couldn’t afford the commission and the FSBO (for sale by owner) wasn’t willing to pay a commission either and that realtor assisted the sale as a friend to the buyer with absolutely no commission for himself. These are the type of realtor I want to be. I want to genuinely help others find a home and I want my clients to think of me at any time they think of real estate. The Realtors I worked with cared about their clients, and that’s the kind of Realtor I want to be!

So here I am, humbling myself and asking for others to invest in me. If you know me, then you know how hard it is for me to ask anyone for help. I’m a pretty independant person and can be somewhat prideful. Things I’m working on! usually I am the one to help others. But in order to be successful in my new business, I’m reaching out to you. Yes, YOU! If you have read all the way to this point, then you must care. THAT means a lot to me by the way. Thank you so much!

Now I am asking you to click that ‘donate button’. You have no idea how much it would mean to me if you do. You’re investing in me, so that I may be able to do something I love.

So whats in it for you? Well thats a good question!! 1st, how about my phone # /email and having a Real Estate agent on call when you run into a real estate question. Everyone runs by a real estate question or problem eventually, so if you or a friend you know.. let me be that person to answer that question! 2nd. I know how if feels when you assist someone else and making their dreams come true. Feels good right? Help me make my dream come true. 3rd. Ever heard the saying that what you give is what you get? I truly believe that (whatever you may call it? Karma) you will get what you deserve. 4th. Paying it forward. I fully intend to reach out to others that have dreams like me. I already work hard in the community and help with those that are need, but I would like to one day help someone that wants to start their own business and I think in a few years I’ll definitely have the income to be able to do that!

Again, I’m putting myself out there. I hope that God may speak to your heart to donate, and if this page finds you in a time that you can’t donate, then please pray for me instead. Pray that this speaks to the heart of others and pray that God multiples their donations to reach my goals. Also, please pass and share this. I’m not afraid to share my dream with others.

One day, I will assist others in their dreams of owning  a home and that will be in part because of you and your help and of course that you believe in me enough to help me out. If every one of my friends in facebook and real life donated just $10-$25. I will be more than on my way to achieving me dreams in real estate!

Please donate, please share:

Thanks so much 🙂

Phoenix – My little Sun Conure

Some of you follow my Bird Chronicles blog which has my birds as the center of attention and pointing out their personalities in cute, small cartoons. I had stopped blogging on that site for a while when I lost Alex, my green cheek conure. It had been a very hard time for me and I was completely devastated.

Since then I have gotten a cockatiel which I named Pixie to be a comfort and friend to Luckydo because when Alex died, Luckydo was mimicking Alex and talking to himself as if Alex was still there. So he had gotten really lonely. Right after I got Pixie, I ended up getting Phoenix, who at the time was barely 3 months old.

Here’s a video of Phoenix, I think this was maybe mid January. I think he was about 4-5 months old at the time.

Here’s the most current photo I have of him, taken just about a week ago. Almost all the green is out of his face. He’s growing to a beautiful sun conure. Can’t wait to see how he looks when he reaches the puberty stage, was told he would be most pretty then.


So much personality in this little guy.

Another month, more changes…

I haven’t had the chance to weigh myself in over a month, but I feel that I have lost some weight. I’ll probably be a little disappointed to find out that I haven’t lost anything next time I do weigh in or feel worse if I gained! But I feel that I have lost some weight. I’ve noticed that my bras have been having a lot more room in them (and sadly I think I need to get smaller bras >< Why can’t I lose my butt first?!). I’ve also noticed that my engagement ring is a lot more loose than it was a few months ago. My ring keeps falling off and there’s a good centimeter of space now. My shirts do seem a little more loose as well, except for my stomach area. Everything below my waist just seems the same.

So other than my weight, I have some more changes that have happened in life for me. I’m no longer working for the real estate agent I was working with at the beginning of the year. About three weeks now that I’ve lost that position. But I ended up finding three more jobs, so now am working a total of four jobs. I found a full time position doing customer service (kind of like sales and telemarketing, but no cold calling), another job working as a waitress, and a position doing part time marketing for a nutritional company. I’ll still be teaching art when I can too. No one should ever say that I’m lazy! I work hard!

Also, I have finally passed my real estate exam for both National and state and then I sent my application to the real estate commission and was accepted! I am officially licensed! I just can’t start selling just yet until my life kind of settles down.

Lamar and I will soon be moving and we are hoping to move into a rental house by June. We also would like to make sure that wherever we move to, that it will be nicely decorated and actually feel like a home. The last place we rented kind of felt cold and just a place to sleep and we could never really invite people over because it didn’t feel like a home. It may have been an added reason as to why Lamar and I were depressed last year. So we’ll be spending some money to make our new rental home an actual home. At least I don’t have to worry about buying artwork since I have basically unlimited paintings!

After moving, Lamar and I will be getting married so we’ll have to be able to pay for all the licensing changes. Then I have a friend that is getting married so I have to spend a week in another state and spend lots of money on her! And then we need to make sure we have enough money saved (at least 3k to be safe) before I can start real estate. Goal is to have all this done by beginning of next year, preferably by December so I can send out Holiday cards to everyone and a reminder that I’ll be starting real estate.

So happy that all I need to do right now is work on the marketing aspect and no longer need to worry about the test. I have been working on my website and then on a personal logo that will be my ‘thing’ I guess. I would like to do segment videos called ‘Get Real’ and would basically be about the neighborhoods in my area and what’s going on in the market. Below is the logo I created. What do you think?



So other than working on my marketing materials, I’ll be studying all I can when it comes to our market and reading up on real estate agent books. I have already read a few, but I’ll be going back over them. I’m excited to be getting closer to my goals.

Once my schedule slows down (which will be May 25th) I’ll be going back to the gym again. Right now, with my schedule, I am barely able to sleep or rest when I can. I’ve already started on working on eating right. I have also been making home made hummus which has become a home favorite (and I actually make it pretty well!).

So there’s my update. I’ll be giving you another one soon!

An update on what’s going on…!

Hello all!

I know I’m not posting as much as I should, or in fact keeping up with my weight loss (you know, like eating healthier, working out regularly and all that stuff that goes with it) and I can give you every excuse in the book, but you’ve all heard it already. So I’m just going to move forward and give you an update on my life!

Right now, I’m on the verge of getting my Real Estate License. I have finished all my classes and have scheduled the day that I will do my State and Nationals test. So all free time that I have has been mostly given to studying (unless I’m procrastinating and doing things like watching Dance Moms or yknow, this).

I stopped working at the front desk of my office in mid January and started working for one of the top Real Estate agents in the area. I’m very blessed and lucky to be able to do this. Most people start their real estate career being thrown into the business and learning while they go and I’m getting the best type of education thinkable. I already have ‘back of the house’ training. I understand the documents, legalities, forms and procedure of the office. Now I’m kind of learning the ‘front of house’ and I’m learning from someone that is successful and knows what she’s doing. I’m hoping by the time I completely start, I’ll basically be a pro! Let’s hope, because I don’t have the funds to be able to do this profession right now and I need to be successful.

I really really really (yes that’s 3 ‘reallys’) want to be successful. I come from a family that barely got through high school. My mother had some college under her belt at least, but being a single mother and having two kids made it too difficult for her to finish. My father was a no-life woman-beater and should be in jail for the rest of his life but has an angel face so he’s able to get away with almost murder and he didn’t get far in life either (he was just successful at lying). My grand parents on fathers side didn’t get far in education and I think the most my dads mom did was waitress. My grand parents on mothers side weren’t much better with my moms dad basically not in my moms life and left when she was a baby and then my moms mom grabbed onto anyone that was rich to keep her sustained.

I don’t want lives like them. I come from a poor background and although my real mother did what she could for us, the lack of money lead her to begin stealing from people we care about to a point that it was almost an addiction. I am not like my mother or father and I want to be able to do more than what they did.

If it wasn’t for all the bad things that happened last year, I wouldn’t have figured out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Being a Realtor will merge all the things I love to do into one profession. Honestly, all I seem to talk about now is real estate. I work in Real Estate, I study real estate, I read real estate, watch real estate tv (hgtv understands me >< even if it's not realistic), I DREAM real estate. It's pretty bad.

Being a Realtor will allow me to do things that I wasn't able to do before and I hope that I will one day be able to achieve more with this profession.

I want to be able to help other people find their dream homes, so that one day I’ll be able to buy my own dream home.

Okay, enough about real estate! I know I know. I tend to get off on a tangent when it comes to real estate. So what else is going on in my life?

I’ve been teaching art with Vino Van Gogh on a regular basis. I did over 20 events last month! I’m a busy busy gal! I’m loving it. I enjoy teaching the paintings and seeing the end result. It’s also gotten me back into an old passion of mine. Painting used to be something I did when I was down or depressed and it always calmed me and made me happier. Instead of thinking of the bad in life, I was concentrating all my energy on a piece of painting that I could be proud of.

I’ve also been writing when I can.. which isn’t much at all.. but it’s a book that I’ve created a long time ago. A very long story. One day I’ll tell you all about it, but right now I’d like to keep that between me and my brain and no one that could possibly steal it from the internets.

Another thing, is I’ve started a ‘Scarves for a Cause’. And basically, I’ll be giving scarves out to the homeless by next winter. I’m thinking of broadening it and making certain scarves for different causes and ones that I’m particularly fond of such as breast cancer or eating disorders and people can buy them and which ever scarves they buy the money will go to a certain foundation. The website isn’t up and running, but it will be eventually!

My personal life is great at the moment. Lamar and I have gotten so much closer. We just auditioned for Cats last week and I am so proud of Lamar. In case some of you didn’t know, Lamar is a complete introvert. I mean, he’s not very good with interacting with people and in fact gets physically ill when he has to be around many others. So he stepped out of his comfort zone and sang in front of many people and he did amazing. It was a good step for both of us and I’m happy.

So I guess that is pretty much everything that is going on right now in my life. I’ll keep you all updated and as soon as things slow down I’ll let you all know 🙂

Goals updated for 2015

Updated my goals for the year. Got rid of the goals that I’ve laxed on from last year.. such as stop drinking pop. Oh yea, I’ve fallen right back to the dreaded pop.

My Body:
-Lose 10 pounds from my start weight(285)
-Lose 20 pounds from my start weight(275)
-Lose 30 pounds from my start weight(265)
-Lose 40 pounds from my start weight(255)
-Lose 50 pounds from my start weight(245)
-Lose 60 pounds from my start weight(235)
-Lose 70 pounds from my start weight(225)
-Lose 80 pounds from my start weight(215)
-Lose 90 pounds from my start weight(205)
-Lose 100 pounds from my start weight(195)
-Lose 110 pounds from my start weight(185)
-Lose 120 pounds from my start weight(175)
-Lose 130 pounds from my start weight(165)
-Lose 140 pounds from my start weight(155)
-Lose 150 pounds from my start weight(145)
-Lose 160 pounds from my start weight(135)
-No longer be above 200 lbs!
-reach my main goal weight of 130lb!
-lose the ‘pooch’
-Be comfortable naked

Get moving!:

-Start exercising regularly (3-4 x a week)
-Walk 4 miles
-Walk 5 miles
-Walk 6 miles
-try jogging
-jog regularly
-jog/run 1 mile
-jog/run 2 miles
-jog/run 3 miles
-participate in a marathon
-complete a 5k walk
-complete a 5k run
-Start Couch to 5k
-Complete Couch to 5k
-Participate in a zombie 5k or run
-buy a kayak
-go kayaking regularly
-Fit into a smaller kayak
-Get into a kayak without help
-Get out of a kayak without help
-go on a bike ride
-buy a mountain bike
-go biking regularly
-go horse back riding
-Try out yoga
-Try a spinning class
-Take a zumba class
-Attend Zumba regularly (2-3x/week)
-Go hunting
-Go swimming at the beach
-Go fishing
-Play disc golf
-Take hip hop classes
-Try belly dancing
-Go hiking
-Try Stand up paddle board
-try tennis
-Play a game of paint ball
-Do tai chi
-Go rollerblading/skating w/out hurting
-jump rope
-Play a game of baseball
-learn to ski
-Play a game of golf
-attend a water aerobic class
-Play a game of racquetball
-play racquetball competitively
-Attend a rowing class
-Join a competitive rowing team
-try kick boxing
-take a self defense class
-try out for an adult soccer team
-buy a pedometer (and use it!)
-try rock climbing
-try archery
-learn to shoot a gun
-work with a personal trainer
-join the Y 3/1/2014
My Weigh To Lose

Health Goals
-Stop drinking pop
-drink 3 glasses of water a day (reg basis)
-drink 4 glasses of water a day (reg basis)
-drink 5 glasses of water a day (reg basis)
-drink 6 glasses of water a day (reg basis)
-drink 7 glasses of water a day (reg basis)
-drink 8 glasses of water a day (reg basis)
-Stop eating bread
-Stop eating potatoes
-Count my calories every day (and blog every day)
-start every day with a healthy breakfast
-eat more fruits and vegetables
-Stop eating fast food
-Visit physician regularly (every 2-3 months)
-Visit Psychologist regularly
-Stop binge eating
-quit sneaking foods
-Eat all meals with other people (dont hide)
-attend food disorder meetings
-speak with a nutritionist
-make meal plans (and stay on them)
-Learn what type of foods are good for me
-Learn what type of foods I should avoid
-Join a support group

-Fit into size 20
-Fit into size 18
-Fit into size 16
-Fit into size 14
-Fit into size 12
-Fit into size 10 (Goal Clothing size)
-Wear sleeveless clothing
-Wear a skirt
-Wear a dress
-Wear a shirt/dress
-wear a two piece bathing suit
-wear shorts
-fit into cute clothes

Goals Created for’Myweightolose’
-Goal Bracelet 2/3/14
My Weigh To Lose
-create dance videos (zumba)
My Weigh To Lose
-start podcast
-100 Followers! 3/1/2014
My Weigh To Lose
-Reach 1000 Followers!

Be Happy Goals
-Complete more than half ‘My Body’ Goals
-Complete more than half ‘Heath’ Goals
-Complete more than half ‘Clothes’ Goals
-Have new hobbies (that make me active)
-Feel healthier
-Feel good about myself
-Help others reach their goals

Bucket List (What I would like to do before I die… not limited to next few years:)
-Get my Realtors License
-Start my profession as a realtor
-Go scuba diving
-Go mountain biking
-Go white river rafting
-Go surf boarding
-Go zip-lining
-Ride a hot air balloon
-Rock climb
-White water raft
-White water kayak
-Try water skiing
-Surgery for skin removal if needed
-Get a degree in nutrition
-become a personal fitness/health trainer
-teach group fitness
-own fitness business

to be continued…

So there are changes going on in my life and I’m really excited but at same time sad. Sad because some things I’ll miss from before, but excited because I’m following what I think will be best for me in the long run.

Instead of making a ‘new years resolution’, Lamar and I created posters (stolen idea from a friend, Amanda, and her family) of the things we’d like to accomplish this year.

Of course marriage is on there. On my poster, the main things I seemed to focus on was getting my Realtors license, getting back into art and painting, work on my book that I’ve been writing for years, get into music again and do theatre. I also of course added be healthy and lose weight, but it was cool to see that it wasn’t the main focus of my poster. I’m happy to see that there are so many things that I’d like to get involved in and want to be a part of and it’s not surrounded by my weight.

I think the poster was a better idea than just choosing one thing to accomplish and then being dissappointed if it doesn’t happen. The poster is just like a dream board. Of course I’m being realistic on it, but I know if I accomplish a few things and not others I’d still be happy!

I already have a few things from the poster accomplised too!

I just recently started working for Vino Van Gogh. It’s an art company in the area and I’ll basically be able to teach a group of people how to paint certain art works but at the same time keep it fun and lively. It’s a social activity more than art, and while being social and drinking they are able to relax and make beautiful art work. So I have getting back into art and painting already marked off the poster!

I should have my Realtors License soon and if I don’t complete the class now, I can always complete it at another time and get my License then. Right now I’m working on becoming an assistant to one of the top Realtors in my area and working with her I’ll be able to learn so much!

The next thing, is that I’ve decided to try out for a musical!!!!

This one is huge for me because I’ve always wanted to try acting in the theatre and I’ve also wanted to sing, but I never had the guts to actually do it. I’m a little afraid that the worst scenario would happen:

Picture this; me center stage and half way through my singing audition I get boo’d off the stage by the producers/directors, and while I walk away in shame they are throwing food at me (and of course not just any food, its going to be chocolate so not only am I walking in shame but I’m picking up the food from the ground and eating it on the way out to make me feel better ><) and all this while the other people auditioning are laughing and pointing at me. And while I’m heading out of the theatre dripping in food and shame, I walk outside where it’s raining and of course I didn’t bring an umbrella so my face is dripping in tears and rain…

Yea… I really don’t think that would happen but I can’t help but thinking that it could be bad. I’m sure the worst that I’ll get is a piece of mail in the mailbox thanking me for my time but they couldn’t find the ‘right’ spot for me.

Anyways, the musical I’ll be trying out for is Cats. Which is a musical I LOVE so much!! I would love to try out for the Grizabella spot. Mainly because I love her and she just makes that whole musical for me. Plus she doesn’t really dance much and her fur coat is literally like a tattered coat so I wouldn’t have to wear any skin tight clothing like the other cats would have to.

I’m excited!

I’ll post photos of the poster as soon as I get my camera to upload correctly.

Broken Up to Engaged?!

So the past few months for me have been pretty terrible. Not going to lie.

Went from breaking up with a guy that I was with for almost ten years and staying ‘friends’ with. For first month we still lived together, and let me tell you, that is not a good idea at all! Living with your ex gives you a bunch of mixed feelings and signals. The accidental ‘babes’ or ‘I love yous’ just made things even worse especially since it was coming from both of us. Also, living together kept us going to the same routines we were doing before and still sharing income and bills, and honestly there was a few times that we were more friends with benefits than anything else.

So the best thing at the time was to separate myself completely from living and relying all on my ex. I ended up moving in with my sister. At first it was only a few nights of the week because it was very hard for me to separate from Lamar. I was dependent on him emotionally and it was hard for me to sever those ties completely. He’s also my best friend, so going from seeing and talking to someone every day to every few days had been difficult too. But I read on a lot of break up sites that the best way to get over someone after a break up (or to even get them back) is to lose contact completely. I’ll admit I never did that, but I had gone a few weeks without calling or seeing him.

Now the past two months I would say has been the most liberating for me. I started to convince myself that Lamar and I were completely over and if anything he’d be my children’s ‘uncle’ rather than my children’s ‘dad’. So I was trying very hard to get over him but still have him in my life. He even celebrated Thanksgiving with my family because let’s be honest, he’s still family to them too.

I haven’t been really watching what I eat or exercising because I have been pretty busy with everything in life (and yes this is a TOTAL excuse!! More excuses on its way…). I’ve been working my main job full-time, but then I’ve been working after hours doing some filing and marketing for an agent. Then I’ve been trying to study for classes. I’ve also got back into a game I love called World of Warcraft, so had been spending evenings playing with friends. I’ve been babysitting and I’ve also been active in the community and Holiday season is the busy season for community service. Yes I could have been choosing the ‘right’ things to eat and spent maybe 30 minutes working out a day… but I didn’t.

The next thing I started doing to get over Lamar, was to start dating. I dated people in my groups and in community service. I dated people from online dating sites. I went out on a lot of dates. And each time I went on a date my confidence was rising. I didn’t realize how low my self-esteem had been until I would receive compliments from the dates and I didn’t know how to respond. If a guy told me I was pretty, I would automatically assume he’s lying. But after hearing from different guys (and from guys that I wasn’t even dating!) I’m starting to believe it!

The first few people I dated, all I could do was compare them to Lamar. So those dates only lasted the first date. Then the last month I met a guy who had actual potential. He was someone who I could possibly see myself with (even if my gut told me not to trust him because I really felt he was saying things that he thought I wanted to hear) but I wanted to give him a chance. We had gone on a few dates, some that involved making out! It felt good to be wanted and to be thought of as attractive. My weight has been a stigma for such a long time that even though I wanted others to see past my fat, I wasn’t looking past it myself. This guy helped me feel more confident about myself.

Now with Lamar, he started to notice this confidence and light in me again. I was being a friend and he was there when I needed him (I had to go to hospital and needed someone to jump my car and drive me to car shop to pick up car.. so he had definitely helped me). I told him stories of the people I dated and I honestly didn’t think he cared that I was sharing this info with him because he didn’t show emotion and I was sharing with him because we had discussed that we’ll share these things like most friends do. Lamar in the mean time hadn’t really been trying to date anyone… even though I was actually kind of trying to push him to date others. My thought that is if Lamar started dating others it would help let me move on or maybe one day he’d be willing to commit once he’s been with other women since he’s only been with me.

Anyways, it seems that he really didn’t like the fact that I was dating others or that one of the guys I was dating seemed interested in taking it to the next step and be more serious as boyfriend and girlfriend. So he finally decided to make a change and not only wanted me to be with him but also wanted us to be husband and wife.

Only took about ten years together and a four-month break up for him to finally commit and be ready to settle down! Also took for me to finally start moving on with my life for him to basically decide that he didn’t want me to move on.

I kinda feel like this should have been written from a romance novel… you know the ones where in the near the end of the book the two lovers end up in a quarrel and they break apart and the guy ends up coming back and professing his love to the heroin? It’s kinda like that.

So we are basically wiping the slate clean. We talked about everything and got it out on the table, and now we’re cleaning it off. This time we’re moving forward. We’re engaged. And it’s time to go to the next step in our life.

Thanks for letting me share and I appreciate my followers and those that have been sending me words of encouragement either through Facebook or in private messages.

I haven’t been posting as much as I would have liked, but I have other changes going on as well and I’d like to start off this new year the ‘right’ way.

New goals will be listed shortly!!


Things have been changing for me

Not just small things, but life changing-never-going-to-be-the-same kind of changes.

I’ve realized that this year has been a constant struggle for me. But you know what? I’m stronger because of everything. The world is testing me.

How much will you go through until you break?

But you know what? I won’t break. I’m a strong woman. I’ve dealt with a lot, but there have been others that have been dealing with so much more than me. I know I may be down a little when things happen, but I get right back up. I give myself pep talks and convince myself that everything is going to be just okay.

One thing I have learned lately (and thankfully from a friend that kind of had to slap it in my face!)…

I’ve learned that I can’t control everything. The only thing I CAN control is me.

I can’t control what others do or feel, I can’t control life or death, I can’t control what has already happened and passed, I can’t control the weather and I can’t control how others drive.

I can control me though.

There are changes that are going on… all for the better. I can’t wait to meet my future self. I am a strong person now, but because I have gone through what I have and still live happily, I will only get stronger.. and boy, that person I’ll be will be unstoppable.

Watch out world. Jamie is here.